Today started for me as a normal day off. I slept in and made a yummy breakfast (scrambled eggs topped with shredded cheese, spinach sauteed in salsa and olive oil, and toast with butter). It was only after my wife declared that this would be a sabbath day for her, and she didn't want to do anything, that I started to unravel. I couldn't help but get a little nauseous at her declaration because nothing sounds more intimidating, more depressing, more boring than a day spent doing nada. This hasn't been the first time I've come up against a day like this. Yes, I have encountered many and reacted much the same, with dread. It's kind of "old hat"-the kind of hat that doesn't match anything else, it's ugly, but your so used to wearing it and you don't have another one to wear.

It's on these occasions, like today, that I come unraveled and can't seem to get myself back together. Megan was looking forward to getting some serious reading done. As a matter of fact, she hasn't stopped reading all day except to eat or use the bathroom. Though I have made huge strides in becoming a reader (I have read more in the past year of my life than in all other years combined-not including textbooks), I am definitely not at her level. So, reading was not going to happen for me today. I was read out. But then what would I do?

It is when I have nothing to do that the whole army of Woe's inside my mind ambushes! The commander of this army is Loneliness and second in command, Insignificance. Their plan of attack; to destroy all motivation allowing for total takeover. After this happens, hope is all but lost. Any suggestion or idea or encouragement from my lovely wife of the many things I am blessed to be able to do today, fall on deaf ears. No, I hear them, but the attacker is holding my right-mind captive and I am uninterested in anything and everything. I sabotage myself. I convince myself that I don't want to be around anyone, or do anything. All this happens in a matter of minutes.

After a lifetime of living with this cycle I have gotten better. For example I can actually understand what's going on and why I feel the way I do, and I can write it out. That's big enough. But I have also learned to counter attack, though I am still not very good at it. I tried to remind myself that 75% of the world doesn't have the luxury of not doing anything for a whole day yet still being able to eat and relax in a comfy, safe bedroom that is all their own. I even tried to climb back into bed and "wake up" all over again to shake this attitude, this army that had overtaken me.

It didn't work. Today I am weak. I had a choice. There was a way out. But I didn't take it. Instead I sat back on the bed, lay my head on the pillow, closed my eyes, and surrendered with false comfort to a cloaked enemy. Sleep.

It didn't take me long after waking to realize the error of my ways. I should have..., I need to remember to..., I must be better prepared for next time. Megan and I went for a bite. The beautiful weather outside reminded me of what I had missed. After Megan expressed her concern that I wasn't myself and she could tell, we came back to the room and she continued to read.

Here I was again with a decision. I had ruined it once today, but I didn't have to ruin it again.

So, I read. I read Red, by Ted Dekker. It's a trilogy that Megan and I are reading and listening through (listening because we have the audio books, too). It is about a great fight. The fight between good an evil, in worlds, in people, in hearts, and in minds. It's about survival. It's about true life, in the deepest sense of the word. Right now I feel like one of the warriors screaming, "Elyon, give me strength!" Yet their struggle doesn't seem to subside. Sometimes it gets worse. But, I am only halfway through the second book.

This afternoon reading didn't last very long for me, but somehow I found my way to this blog. Somehow it has gotten me through at least an hour, maybe two. This has been good for me. I hope to get better at Sabbaths. The least I could do is practice it like the Jews do Shabbat.

And I could always blog.

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